The Alpha Grief Handbook: The Practical Things During Grief 🌷🪦

Published: Wed, 08/02/23

Photo of Tanya, Coach for Alpha Women Entrepreneurs

The Practical Things During Grief

If you’ve been reading, you’ve been with me

on the unexpected journey through my father’s passing.

It’s motivated me to teach on grief,

because I “do” grief differently than most Alphas.

This week, I’m hitting the practical things first.

Some of the things I’ve discovered surprised me, so I am determined to spread the word so you can protect your family by PREVENTING THEM.

The Alpha Grief Handbook: The Practical Things During Grief 🌷🪦

Things I’ve Learned and Am Sharing

Social Security Payments, Banks & Credit Cards

You must investigate your parents’ payments

and bills before anyone passes. Now. Now is good.

Social Security pays in arrears, that means money received in July is FOR June. This is critically important because…
Social Security does NOT pay your parent the month they pass away. Even if they pass July 31st, they are NOT allowed to be paid or keep July benefits that would arrive in August. They will seek to recover death month monies from you.
You do not need to notify Social Security. The speed and stealth with which they will receive this information would embarrass a trained ninja.
Was your father the greater wage earner? If so, read this carefully. You must triage your mother’s budget. She will almost immediately lose his greater benefit, which she may need for upcoming mortgage and bills. Your parents may not have accounted for a 20-60% drop in her total income.
Social Security notifies your parent’s banks and the credit cards get the info too. The banks can freeze SS funds that they consider an overpayment. (Or, as in our case, legitimately paid funds due from month prior to death.)
Chase bank, we have learned is notorious for instantly grabbing & freezing SS electronically deposited checks ACTUALLY STILL DUE & PAYABLE. In event of the death of a person on SS with a Chase account, I’d be very proactive.
Not enough? There’s more. Your mother will be entitled to apply for what they call the Survivor’s Benefit, which can be her receiving 100% of her husband’s, former Social Security payment, and the government stopping the payment of any of hers. You will have to have an interview to get that higher payment started. In the meantime, they’ll stop her other one.
We were told that the SS Survivor Benefit interview can only be done by phone and the next available was almost 2 months away in late September. Why does that matter? Because they won’t begin paying her the higher amount of her spouse’s former payment, until AFTER that meeting. Meaning if the appointment is two months away, she won’t get the higher amount for three months. They will give her backpay eventually, but she will have to float the gap in her income.
So basically, in this example, your mother would receive only her own, lower, Social Security check for several months, immediately following the death.
If they have other private pensions, these may also reduce or disappear. Investigate.
The credit card companies will join the party and may begin closing accounts, including ones where the decedent was primary and spouse, authorized user. You can ask to keep those accounts open, but they may want to review her new income and adjust the available credit.

Summary: Figure out how to get your parents' trust to examine the financial impact the death of the former primary earner would have on the remaining parental budget and debt.

Caskets, Urns & Funerals

It is really a super good idea to make advanced arrangements. It saves money because it locks in the rate at present costs, and more importantly, it saves massive drama when grieving family members all congregate together and want to put their grieving opinions into the decision making process. I am grateful that this was not the case in my family, but I have seen this many, many times.
It is a federal law that every funeral home in United States must accept funeral products that you have purchased elsewhere. They’re not even supposed to look at you funny! Funeral homes got in trouble because they were price gouging on coffins and urns. Long story short, price shop. More here: https://www.us-funerals.com/the-ftcs-funeral-rule/
I recommend Costco for caskets and amazon.com for urns. And yes, both places will deliver very quickly. Our urns were beautiful.
If you have not made advance arrangements, you must take a dispassionate person with you, preferably a family friend or the least traumatized family member with money sense. They are there to say NO. Guilt and grief drives the selection of thousands of dollars of unnecessary expenses.
I just discovered that there is a federal fund to reimburse funeral costs up to $9,000 for family members passing from Covid after January 20, 2020. https://www.us-funerals.com/how-to-claim-fema-funeral-assistance-for-a-covid-related-death/
It may take a month or so to get life insurance benefits paid, so don’t expect those to be instantaneous. And make sure you order a ton of death certificates because every man and his dog wants to see one.
Gather your photos of your loved one when they pass and specifically ask family members to do the same. Give them a deadline for submission to one person. At some point you will need to provide a selected handful of those photos to somewhere for a video or other tribute. Be mindful that people may feel left out if they are not included or represented. Almost all of my dad’s photos came from my collection of 26,000 photos on my phone. Happily, my siblings are easy-going but I have seen this go differently in other families.

It can be very difficult to feel your grief if you were genuinely, deeply wounded, while you have to conduct the business of death.

I advise you to call in your nearest Alpha to help you.

I am exceedingly grateful that I was not traumatized and devastated, because handling all this while feeling that way would’ve been nearly impossible.

P.S. I am so grateful that I can protect someone's Mom out there! Take this seriously. Death is never "planned" and this is one time where our Alpha organizing, planning and prevention skills are completely needed. Also, make sure you know where the paperwork is! Many parents have a LOT of stuff and lot of papers. You do not want to have to de-clutter to find Living Wills, insurance papers and the rest. Also, since this is a digital world...passwords! Make sure you can get into accounts online as needed.

Please write me and let me know if this made a difference for you. If it saves just one Alpha trauma at the very worst time of your life, I am glad I am sharing! Print this puppy out and get ON IT. Love you!

One last thought. Usually, wives know all the things. Heaven forbid she passed before your dad, if she is the master of all health and financial knowledge. He'd be emotionally lost and incapable of assisting, having little knowledge of the business of their lives. Would he even know all of his medications? Questions you need to ask.

Helping High Achievers Transform Stressful Marriages

After her 2011 divorce, Tanya set out to learn WHY soo many marriages fail. She used what she learned to save her 2nd marriage and found her calling to Save YOURS too.

She is a 25-year Divorce Lawyer, Founder of a High-Conflict Divorce Firm, Author of 'The Smart Guide to Life After Divorce', Mensa Member, Advanced Clinically Certified in Hypnotherapy, Metaphysics PhD Candidate, Spiritual Teacher, Speaker & Life Coach.

Her coaching is recommended by the World-Famous Motivator, Les Brown, Best-Selling Love Coach Greg Baer and International Change Expert, Dr. Eldon Taylor.

Her greatest credential is finally separating Struggle from Success in Life & Marriage.

Find Even More on the Resources page of the website: www.FearlessFocusCoaching.com/Resources

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