Stage Three - Punishing the Trigger
"It's YOUR fault that you made me tell you how much I don't trust you!"
The most common way we tell the truth is in an argument. We share our deep, scary truths when we are hurt or angry because our security filter loosens enough to let slip the things we've hidden.
Once the "cat is out of the bag" regret hits.
To avoid the pain and discomfort of regret, we point our fingers in blame, so we can feel anger at our "provoker" instead of shame or regret.
As a high-conflict divorce lawyer this example is very real and very repeated:
Wife: Are you cheating on me? Are YOU CHEATING ON ME?
Husband: Yes. YES. I AM!! And you wanna know why? Because no one wants
to sleep with an ice queen.
The guy surfaces his hidden truth in a moment of anger. And then in the split second before shame and regret can drown him, he punishes his trigger, his wife, by blaming her not only for TELLING the truth but causing it as well.
The harder, emotionally mature response is to stay in the pain.
We are NOT taught how to sit in pain for ANY period of time.
The moment we make an unattractive disclosure we try to lessen it, take it back, explain it away or cast our discomfort onto someone else (blame).
Think back to the last time you told a painful truth. Did you speak it and then immediately soften it? Didn't you mentally get angry at the person or situation for wringing that truth out of you?
The emotion of "righteous indignation" is often best-friends with the thought of "well, what did they expect after that?"
