Here it is made simple: When you blame them, your focus goes to and stays with whatever frustrating thing they did...BUT you don't examine yourself.
Problem? Yes.
Size? HUGE.
Why? Because you cannot change anyone else BUT you!
The dumb thing he just did, he'll do AGAIN. He's done it before.
Your "blaming" him isn't really doing anything other than ruining your dinner and confirming the soundtrack in his head that you are too sensitive (an insult we take VERY personally, as Alphas pride themselves on NOT being sensitive!).
Here is the Blame Trap:
- A condition exists that you support, cause or ignore
- It causes, triggers or permits the "dumb" thing to happen (again)
- You feel exhausted, worn out with the fighting and incredulous that you are back in the very same old spot -> You tell him what he did and why it was hurtful and maaaaaaybe your tone includes what an ass you think he's being (blame)
- Now, he's defensive and withdraws or attacks back
- You are IMMEDIATELY angry that he's avoiding this (more blame)
Now you aren't even fighting about the original problem anymore!
The BLAME keeps you from tracing the origins of the problem. And trust me you are LOOKING for your role. You are searching for YOUR part! Because you can CHANGE your part.
Much like an experiment, you need to change what YOU are doing because you simply cannot "bitch" another person into changing! (Tried it!)
Blame keeps you looking at HIM.
Now, did he actually DO something dumb? YES. I KNOW.
It's freaking painful. But your mate will ALWAYS only Attack or Withdraw when you do this. Neither gets you what you want: a change or at least being heard.
What is Blame Tanya?
Blame is attempting to give 100% responsibility to a person attempting to avoid it and usually relies on unconnected bad history to strengthen it's case.
Blame is a Relationship Trap.
