Hmm. Soo important, I’ll say it again. Someone in your family sucks…meaning they suck in your time, good mood, money, stability, and future.

Let me be clear. Once someone has gotten into the HABIT of sucking, taking, abusing, and neglecting, they do NOT spontaneously STOP. 

This family member has also LEARNED how to IGNORE your protests. They are not wired like an Alpha, so they do not feel SHAME over their irresponsible behavior. They may not even be AWARE that their behavior is a problem for you.  

Here is your Million Dollar Advice:  

You cannot set a boundary WHILE that boundary is being violated.

Sorry. It doesn’t work that way. 

The Discomfort of setting any boundary (especially a FAMILY boundary) is that you have to take action while EVERYTHING SEEMS FINE. 

“Oh no Tanya!” You say. “But we’re ‘okay’ right now.”  Too bad. Now’s the time.

Telling someone you are not going to lend them money anymore AS you drive to the ATM and HAND IT TO THEM…see how that is less than effective and makes no impression? 

What is a boundary? It’s a rule on how YOU commit to treating YOU.

(Re-read that.) 

Notice it did not have anything to do with your husband, your sister, mother, or son. 

My boundaries are born of the commitments I make to treat myself with self-love. I do not like lending money. I don’t like the role it places me in. And how I then feel the need to follow up and watch and MANAGE things. So, it is NOT self-loving to ME to lend money. Focus? ME not them. 

You have to love yourself enough to TELL these boundary breakers, takers, and serenity suckers:

THIS is how I have decided to treat myself going forward. It IS different from what I did before and may impact you. Just letting you know.

(Use a text and don’t reply to whatever they send for awhile…Trust me.)

Nor can you inform others of your new self-love commitment while you are ANGRY, HURT or RESENTING whatever you haven't stopped.  They won't hear you. They'll feel attacked and defend themselves, guaranteeing future disrespect of your "new" boundary.  

And for clarity, having strong boundaries does NOT refer to the boundary itself. A boundary is neutral. It's a commitment. It is how you RESPOND to those who ignore or demand you break your commitment to yourself. That protective response (of you!) needs to be STRONG. 

You’ll need to establish the precedent that, as you were warned what my new, self-loving commitment was, you will not, now receive an exception. 

Face your addiction to his (the needy family member’s) disapproval and let it go. No. They will not be happy. Yes. They will talk about you. Yes, they’ll be petty and passive-aggressive. And yes, you'll break free. 

0 F’s given Sweet Alpha. You must begin to prioritize your self-loving treatment over the opinion of a person who is a) lazy (financially, emotionally, spiritually or physically), b) wants your resources, and c) claims the title of “family.”